So we asked Soffer and Jenni Brennan, professor at The National Center for Death Education at Mount Ida College in Newton, Mass., to offer their tips on what not to say to someone who’s grieving.
What to say instead: “It’s really tough right now for you.”
“Acknowledge that what they’re going through right now is very painful,” says Soffer. Don’t gloss over their feelings—let them have the chance to grieve fully and without judgment.
What to say instead: “I’m sorry you’re suffering.”
“Certainly the person is glad [their loved one is] not suffering anymore,” says Brennan, “but it doesn’t make the pain any different.” Focus on the person who is experiencing pain at that moment.
What to say instead: “I’ll come over to do a few loads of laundry,” or “I’ll drive carpool for the next month.”
People are more willing to accept support if it’s specific rather than wide-open offer, Brennan says.
What to say instead: “Tell me about your loved one.”
When dealing with the present pain of loss, it can be hard to look towards a future that’s full of unknowns, says Soffer. Help to focus on the memories by asking specific questions and being an active listener.
What to say instead: “I can imagine how you’re feeling.”
Brennan always recommends giving the person a chance to identify how he or she feels, rather than speaking for him or her.
What to say instead: “You must really miss them.”
The loss of a loved one is likely the source of the pain—focus on that, rather than brushing it aside as a non-negotiable aspect of life.
What to say instead: “I’d like to honor them this way.”
Tie your memorials it to your actual knowledge base. Tap into your memories and information about the person, and acknowledge that it symbolizes the relationship you two shared, rather than the whole person.
What to say instead: “You might not be feeling great, but that’s ok.”
Let the person have complete freedom to feel how he or she wants—even if time has passed since the loved one’s death, it is comforting to acknowledge that each moment without them is difficult.
What to say instead: “Remember when?”
One of the most helpful things you can do for a grieving person is share a memory of his or her loved one—even if you feel like you’re not in the inner circle. “You’re giving them a perspective on that person that they’d never otherwise get the chance to have,” Soffer says.
